i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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