Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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