how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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