my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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