I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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