I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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