i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize