Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Ladies don't puke and tell
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
