Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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