What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
