The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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