i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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