I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
