Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
