If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
