I can text with my tongue
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize