watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
