Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
