I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
