Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize