i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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