So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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