I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
