You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
