Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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