Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
