When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
