I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
