hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
