I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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