All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
