I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
