Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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