I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
