Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
