um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
