i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
