I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
