We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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