I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i think i have herpe
just one?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
