Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
