You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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