My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
