I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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