wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
