I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
