we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
