i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
