My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
