I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
