I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Text me some of your sweat
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
