the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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