we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
