Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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