I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize