What a fucking waste of an outfit
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
My bed smells like the plague
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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