Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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